The last two days or few for that matter, I have been struggling with being restless. Sometimes it seems to me that when things are going well, a little too well, that eventually there is that moment when the shit hits the fan. And then things get dirty and stinky.
As of late there have been a lot of things going in my life. Some good and some not so good. And dealing, managing, and addressing all of these things have started to weigh down on me and make me restless. I try to be calm and collective but sometimes I just mentally freak out. These are the time where everything seems that it can not get accomplished and I just fell overwhelm and the solution or the more like it that I take is that I just shut down and deep down I wish it would complete itself. But I know from experience that this is not the case. By doing what I just did, it simply delays the uncomfortable situation where I have to face myself and see that I’m not perfect. The stupid thing is that I don’t see myself as perfect however I sometimes try to make it seem like it. But deep down I can be scared and afraid to admit this to friends. The thoughts of, being looked at differently and judged in a manner of being less than what I am now is scary to think about.
I have this one nightmare that I tell everyone the way that I feel and everyone just defriends and no longer speaks to me. And I just wake up in a daze and confused feeling because I couldn’t understand why my friends would just do that to me. I attribute this nightmare to my younger childhood when I wasn’t seen as anything special because I wasn’t one of the popular kids. At the time I just told myself; ill show them. And shoe them I did, I focus all my efforts on my studies and things that I could do myself and not ask for help. Looking back at it now, I did this to show off and show that I am valuable and I have something to offer. But I think at the time I just wanted to show off that I was better than they thought. But still after all that time and effort I still wasn’t good enough. It seemed it didn’t matter at all, I was still seen in the same way. And again I couldn’t understand.
Even to this day I still do this and admittedly it still feel really weird when I do get compliments and applause because for the longest time too, it seemed that I would only get this when people wanted something from me. Basically I know they were going to use me and then leave me. But the frustrating thing is that I knew it but I still did it anyway because there is a big part of me that everyone has good in themselves and their good will come out. Bit unfortunately more times than not this hasn’t been the case. Which I think to this day makes it hard for me to accept achievements as true achievements because I still think that nothing I do is special and that everyone can do it. This is one thing that I still struggle with and try to work on.
I know that a lot of the friends that I have met over year sincerely and wholeheartedly mean well when they compliment me and I really do appreciate it. I really do because it is with those friends that I just want to hug them and just overwhelming say thank you to them for believing me.
I think the hardest hurdle for me is being restless and having all these scenarios running in my head. My mind runs in so many directions that sometimes I can’t figure out what is true or not. I come with these scenarios that may or not occur. But instead of letting it happen I think too much about it. And I think I do this is to less the pain, embarrassment, and uncomfortable feeling that comes when things just don’t turn out as I hoped.
If you are still reading this at this point thank you. I appreciate you listening to me go on and on about this. But I wanted to let you know, I really do see the best in people first. I know that if I have made friends with you and we have build a good relationship of getting to know one another I am thankful for your friendship. You have truly made me feel blessed and happy. I know with your support and genuine friendship I can overcome this. But just know that sometimes a one on one conversation or a simple message of; “Hi, how are you doing? I hope you are well. wanna hang out?” from time to time is always a nice gesture and I do appreciate it. I still live under the premise of the golden rule of; TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED.